


Consequences

by McLen



Category: Die Ärzte
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-17 01:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1368118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McLen/pseuds/McLen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to pranks.<br/>Bela has kissed Farin on stage but got more than he bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: whatthefuckbenj helped me with this, thanks again darling and sorry for posting it ages later.

The gig was over and all Bela could think of was that he had to catch up with Jan. Catch him before he’d close himself off and the last opportunity to talk vanished. Jan was quick, long steps led him away from the stage and towards the backstage showers and Bela had to run to keep up with him.  
  
“Wait for me,” he muttered out of breath more from the gig than from the running, and fortunately Jan stopped. He gave him a puzzled look, a bit humorous, too, and Bela felt instantly relieved that Jan at least wasn’t angry. His face was soft, his eyes were still shining glassily with excitement from the show, his nose and cheeks were flushed red from exhaustion and the small smile playing around his lips was a sign of utter relaxation and contentment. He seemed okay.  
  
“Jan,” he said, and he felt the warm eyes resting on his face tracing over his skin, earnestly looking, scanning him, and he felt himself tremble underneath their gaze. This was  _not_ how it was supposed to work. He couldn’t just stand there in awe of Jan, frozen to the spot, he had to discuss it before it was too late, use the moment while Jan was still so open, too exhausted and happy to hide.  
  
“It didn’t mean anything,” he blurted “Please, don’t be upset. It was just-“  
  
When Jan’s face fell, and the mood shifted in less than a second, he bit his tongue swallowing the ”just a prank,” quickly.   
  
“It was just. . .” he stuttered, “and it was good, wasn’t it? It felt right and good and fantastic-“ he said, but Jan’s smile didn’t return.   
  
“See, Felse,” he said instead, his voice severe and his eyes serious “I thought I don’t need to tell you that I’m not one of your Los Helmsted guys, there are limits even on stage, especially on stage. Obviously I was wrong thinking you’d know, so fine, I do tell you now: I don’t wanna be kissed on stage by you or anyone else for that matter ever again. Small pecks are fine by me but nothing, do you understand,  _nothing_ resembling tonight. No matter how good the show, how hot the audience or how much you are turned on at that moment. That’s a border I don’t want crossed, and I understand you to respect that.”  
  
“Yes of course,” Bela mumbled looking down on his shoes almost feeling embarrassed.  
  
“Good,” Jan said his voice slightly warmer, “now don’t look like a school boy it doesn’t suit you. You did it, I told you, now we’re okay.”  
  
Bela looked up again, only to find Jan watching him. He couldn’t read him though, the exhaustion had faded and with it the honesty that came along.  
  
“I didn’t want to upset you,” he tried again. Jan smiled and squeezed his shoulder sympathetically.  
  
“I know, it’s alright. Just next time think for a moment before you act.”  
  
“You know me,” Bela laughed shyly, “Not really working.”  
  
“Yeah I think I know what you mean.” Jan agreed.   
  
“So we’re okay?”  
  
“Of course we are,” Jan gave him a smile. “Always,” he added and Bela thought it sounded sincere.  
  
And he would have left it at that. Really. But sometimes things didn’t fit and no matter what Jan had said and how he had acted Bela could feel there was still something amiss. The damn thing was he didn’t know what he could do about it. Jan had said they were fine, and though he knew they weren’t there was nothing he could do if Jan didn’t play along. And Jan didn’t. It started to drive him mad. He didn’t really know what he was expecting, out-righteous anger, a bit bitching around maybe, but there was something else, a reservation that hadn’t been there before or at least not in that vehemence.   
  
It wasn’t new to him, that Jan kept him away, at arm’s length so to say, it wasn’t new at all. They had drifted apart before and they were actually pretty estranged before most tours but then once they got together they usually just clicked. And months of separation vanished in a blink of an eye, or during a zombie-movie-marathon.  
  
Of course there were still different phases in their relationship, but recently, after becoming a father then vegan strangely enough, he had felt their relationship blossoming again. Certainly not like back then, when they were teenagers and impossibly close but still-  
  
But now he felt sat back light years, pushed away, too, and this was something Bela didn’t want to accept. He talked to Rod, because Rod knew both of them and had fucking started it in the first place. Rod told him to just  _trust Jan_ , a very helpful advice, thank you very much, he decided to ignore.   
  
It was only a few days later Bela when found himself in the very same hassle again.  
  
They had a day off, Jan had somehow made the mistake of not leaving early enough , or maybe he wasn’t really trying to avoid him and Bela was just imagining things, and he had found himself stuck in some stupid hotel room with the same burning desire to fix this, no matter the costs.   
  
They were chatting about something irrelevant when Bela finally interrupted Jan and asked about that night again.  
  
“I told you we are fine,” Jan said, light anger ringing in his voice.  
  
“But apparently we aren’t,” Bela insisted,  
  
Jan sighed, “It’s just your perception of things, leave it alone, we’re good.”  
  
The way he pressed his lips, the way his arms were crossed defensively in front of his chest, everything indicated he was really unnerved by this, and still Bela couldn’t drop it, no matter what, at least he had to try.  
  
“I can’t,” he simply said.  
  
He tried to observe Jan, tried to understand, tried to read him. But Jan was completely in control, emotions suppressed, face and voice cool. This was the Jan he knew, had known for ages, but this was also only just the surface of a complicated enigma. There was another part, another  _Jan_ , another version, a bundle of pure emotion, something that had almost completely vanished.  
  
Nowadays no one was able to breach into Jan’s mind. No one. Nowadays he wouldn’t know what Jan was thinking, what he was feeling. And he hated it. There was no way to ask the right question, no way to know the right one in Jan’s made up game.   
  
“Don’t do this, not again, after. . . after all the effort we put into this, after all the trouble we went through to make this work, we’re drifting apart. I know we have been for a while now, but we were working on that, too, it was going to be okay and now. . . all because of this stupid kiss, I wish-“   
  
Jan winced when he called the kiss stupid, and though he didn’t take a step back he somehow seemed further away.  
  
“Not stupid of course,” Bela quickly corrected, “hell, I mean it was a great kiss, you are an awesome kisser, really, and it felt good being so close to you,”  
  
He saw Jan rising his eye-brow sarcastically, what was he supposed to say then, if nothing was right?   
  
“Felse, just- Let it be, forget it, it’s alright. Just. . .We’ll be fine, you’ll see, we always are.”  
  
He couldn’t shake the feeling that Jan was slipping through his fingers. There was something he didn’t get, something important, and his inability to see it made the situation fatal, every step he took seemed to lead into the wrong direction every word he said, seemed to upset Jan further. He felt like he was in the middle of a frozen lake and all around him ice began to melt.  
  
“You’re slipping away,” he said mild panic ringing in his voice.  
  
Jan shrugged, “Don’t be daft,” he said, and turned to leave, but Bela knew he couldn’t let him. Not like this not when so much was at stake. He hurriedly crossed the distance and gripped his arm.  
  
“Jan, please.”  
  
Jan stopped, hesitated, then sighed and turned around. The look Bela received was fond, and the smile around Jan’s lips seemed real.  
  
“Okay, you’ve got one more question, after that I consider this topic closed. Is that a deal?”  
  
Bela nodded. His heart was racing, he didn’t have a clue what he could say.  _Trust him_ , he remembered Rod’s words. How could he possibly . . .?  
  
“What do you want me to ask?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I. . . know I’m missing something important here. I know everything I say upsets you further. But can’t we just be honest- like back then? If you can’t tell me what’s the matter, then please let me ask the right questions. . . I want to solve this Jan. You mean far too much to me, I hate to see you so very far away.”  
  
“I. . .” Jan looked on the ground then up again.   
  
“You’re serious about this? You might not get the answers you want to hear.”  
  
“Always serious about you,” Bela chuckled.   
  
Jan took a long suffered sigh. His gaze was unfocused and his mind seemed far away. His face seemed stressed, his back rigid and the lines on his face made him old. Bela waited, he knew Jan needed time to think things through, and this, this seemed important, more important than he had given it credit for. Eventually Jan’s gaze focused again, his hands moved and his eyes settled on Bela’s face.  
  
“Alright,” he said resolutely, “as you wish.”  
  
Bela swallowed, Jan had made up his mind, and with his thoughts determined fixed on a conclusion there was nothing Bela could now do anyway. It had always been like that, Bela a doll on strings played by Jan’s skillful fingers.  
  
“You need three questions.”  
  
“Okay,”  
  
“Okay. Ask me why I was so upset about this.”  
  
“Why were you so upset about this Jan?” he echoed quietly.  
  
“I felt used. I knew it was a prank. I knew you did it for a laugh, and that hurt.” Jan said, an answer he seemed to have prepared, Bela suddenly realized that Jan would know the answer to each question before-hand and that this was more than a set up this was- and then he realized what Jan had said.  _Used, Hurt_. He had wanted to do neither.  
  
“I didn’t mean to-“  
  
“-No, I know. But that’s not the point. Don’t justify your actions, just ask and then listen.”  
  
“Okay,” Bela agreed,  _your rules it is_. Keeping silent. After a while Jan nodded.  
  
“Ask me why it upset me that much.”  
  
“Why, did it upset you that much?”  
  
“Because it felt  _different_. I felt closer to you than in ages, there was something growing that had been slowly vanishing, it almost felt enough to bridge the gaps that had risen, almost . . .”  
  
“I. . .” Bela started and then swallowed remembering not to talk, thoughts were spinning through his head, making him dizzy, had Jan really just stated what he thought he did? Had he really missed their friendship their crazy closeness as much as Bela? Had he yearned for it, wished it back desperately, willing to pay every price, as he himself had done?  
  
“Ask me,” Jan continued his voice dry but stern and his eyes unwavering, “Ask me why it upsets me so much.”  
  
“Why. . .” Bela felt his heart racing when he made eye-contact with Jan again, “why does it upset you so much?” Bela asked huskily and held his breath.  
  
When Jan answered he clearly emphasized every word.  
  
“Because this is what I want, more than anything. Even more than being safely tugged away behind my knowledge and contempt, comfy sheltered and un-hurt, because no matter what I pretend,” he stopped and laughed quietly “I bleed to death from longing, anyway. There is no safety not after that night, and probably there never was in first place.”  
  
Bela swallowed again, he noticed Jan’s arm moving as in slow motion, stretching out and coming closer until his hand brushed his cheeks. He was frozen to the spot while Jan feather lightly caressed him. His surroundings ceased and all Bela felt were Jan’s fingers stroking his cheek. He could feel his rapid breath pounding in his head, Jan’s determined eyes on his and the total confusion in his mind.  
  
He had a girlfriend, Jan had one, too, he was a father to a son of still another woman, and they were mates and Jan was terrifyingly difficult to handle in almost anything and he was a completely selfish bastard , a self-righteous lunatic and utterly failing relationship-wise and they played in one band and they were friends and you couldn’t just kit a broken friendship with love, it never worked. It  _never_ worked. It would make everything worse. Certainly.   
  
But then Bela had always thought that Jan was like an eagle and since he had decided he wanted Bela for his prey, there had never been an opportunity for escape. Not really. The questions and answers had been fixed, and so was his fate. Jan had made up his mind, and what he wanted he got. Always.   
  
Jan’s fingers stopped and Bela held his breath again. Slowly they began moving again, heading downwards until they reached his chin, then the thumb tenderly brushed over his lips -and Bela’s heart skipped a beat -before coming to rest with the rest of his hand, slowly, painfully slowly, titling his head upwards.   
  
His mind screamed at him, showed him pictures of naked women, of his girlfriend, of his son, of Jan angry and hurting lashing out against everyone, Jan distant and cold after a journey, closed up and not letting anyone close to him, of Jan’s face young barely 18-years old, grinning at him in their shared apartment, promising him fame and fortune and that they’d be together forever and ‘d take over the world, the same face but older, wrinkled, laughing over a joke, hugging him after a gig . . .   
  
And then he felt his lips on his own, soft and warm and firm, and nothing like the first kiss and so much more.   
  
To hell with it, Bela thought and stopped thinking.  
  
There probably never had been safety in first place, anyway.


End file.
